[God, Ronan couldn't say it, didn't know where to even fucking start -- but there was something about the way that Kavinsky wrapped his arms around him. It made it easier, somehow, made him feel less like some fundamental part of him was coming unglued. He never would have imagined this as something that was possible. Not for them, anyway. Before, he'd have said that they were too sharp, too damaged, too broken to be able to stand it, to be this vulnerable and offer this sort of comfort without one of them slipping a knife in somewhere.
But he'd been wrong. So wrong.
He doesn't say thank you, but he murmurs appreciatively, breaths a sigh in the space between them as he leans into him, like he needed him even more than he'd known. Like he'd had to get this second chance in order to be able to see just how much he'd lost before. And then there's that question, and before, he'd probably have laughed it off, made some quip about how something was always killing him. But more important, just for a moment, is the fact that he saw Kavinsky flinch.]
For what it's worth, he's alive. I mean, he's asleep, but.. the Unamker didn't get to him or anything. He's at the hospital. His grandmother visits. They think he's in a coma from when his car crashed. But it doesn't matter if they take him off life-support, he wont die. I know it still sucks, but- he's alive. For all I fucking know, after I die Skov and Swan and Jiang figure out how to wake him up and they... I dunno. They find a way to be happier than we were in that world.
[He smiles, but it's bittersweet, looking up at Kavinsky, holding onto him. He's unwilling to let go, but he's trying. To give him something to hope for, to try and make the burn of what had happened to his best-friend not cut so deep. It's not something he's ever been good at, but he wants to help, and he's trying. Maybe in part because it means times to catch his breath before talking about dying.
He almost asks Kavinsky for another drink first, but he knows it'd be mostly cerebral -- it wasn't like it'd hit him fast enough for him to feel it. So instead he just sighs.]
I'm definitely gonna need another drink after this.
[But it's not bitter, not like he's agitated that Kavinsky asked -- he knew the question was coming, after all.]
So I was connected to Cabeswater, somehow. Not like it was dying so I was dying or something like that. But- the Unmaker reached through Cabeswater to get to me. Everything was fucked. Gansey is supposed to die to kill it. And his girlfriend was.. I dunno. Going to kill her true love with a kiss or some bullshit. Anyway. Gansey's going to die and I was literally the fucking last person to know.
[Yeah, he's still kind of frustrated about it. He can understand it from Gansey; talking about your own death was bullshit. And he's always been the type to push his own shit down so that he could worry about Ronan. It was Blue and Adam who had known and not told him that they knew his best-friend was going to die.]
Apparently the only way to kill the fucking thing is a sacrifice on the ley line. Old magic. Gansey dies and so it dies. Or that was the theory, anyway. But it happened too fast. It was like... whatever was fucked up in Cabeswater was spilling over into the waking world. We were driving, trying to get to Cabeswater, because Adam had this idea that if Gansey did the sacrifice there, we could bring him back before he was really dead.
[There's a sound in his throat, somewhere between a sob and laughter, but bitter all the same, and it catches in his throat, and his eyes are rimmed in tears. Because obviously Ronan hadn't lost enough already, had he? And this is both why he hadn't brought it up, because if he didn't talk about it, then he didn't have to face Gansey's death, didn't have to think about it being real. And, well. It's why this takes trust -- because ]
But the street was flooded with blood, and Gansey was trying to figure out what to do but-- it started pulling me apart. I was bleeding black from my face, so he freaks out, of course. I had to-- tell them not to fucking touch it. It dragged me under, into... nothingness. Fragments of time, nothing at all. And all I could do was try and grab a dream, a piece of light to push it back from unmaking me and bringing it back in the instant of being awake, before it would grab me again.
And my phone's ringing the whole fucking time, because it's not just unmaking me, it's... Chainsaw, Orphan Girl... Matthew. So Declan's going to pieces and there isn't shit that I can do about it because I'm losing. [His voice quiets, sad and melancholy and heart-broken.]
It was happening so fast. And all I could throw at it was -- reflex. Flowers and a crown of fire, stars and music, and it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. But I fought it. I tried. After you died, I-- Fuck. There were more than a few nights where I don't know if I would have.
But I did. It wasn't even for a good reason, really. But it was my birthday the night before, I'd dropped out of Aglionby, I kissed Adam Parrish, and it turned out that Declan was only seventy-percent as much of an asshole as I'd assumed. For the first time in months it felt like, I dunno. Like there was-- something, you know?
[He tries to be quiet, to not be obvious, but his body shakes, and he's crying.]
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But he'd been wrong. So wrong.
He doesn't say thank you, but he murmurs appreciatively, breaths a sigh in the space between them as he leans into him, like he needed him even more than he'd known. Like he'd had to get this second chance in order to be able to see just how much he'd lost before. And then there's that question, and before, he'd probably have laughed it off, made some quip about how something was always killing him. But more important, just for a moment, is the fact that he saw Kavinsky flinch.]
For what it's worth, he's alive. I mean, he's asleep, but.. the Unamker didn't get to him or anything. He's at the hospital. His grandmother visits. They think he's in a coma from when his car crashed. But it doesn't matter if they take him off life-support, he wont die. I know it still sucks, but- he's alive. For all I fucking know, after I die Skov and Swan and Jiang figure out how to wake him up and they... I dunno. They find a way to be happier than we were in that world.
[He smiles, but it's bittersweet, looking up at Kavinsky, holding onto him. He's unwilling to let go, but he's trying. To give him something to hope for, to try and make the burn of what had happened to his best-friend not cut so deep. It's not something he's ever been good at, but he wants to help, and he's trying. Maybe in part because it means times to catch his breath before talking about dying.
He almost asks Kavinsky for another drink first, but he knows it'd be mostly cerebral -- it wasn't like it'd hit him fast enough for him to feel it. So instead he just sighs.]
I'm definitely gonna need another drink after this.
[But it's not bitter, not like he's agitated that Kavinsky asked -- he knew the question was coming, after all.]
So I was connected to Cabeswater, somehow. Not like it was dying so I was dying or something like that. But- the Unmaker reached through Cabeswater to get to me. Everything was fucked. Gansey is supposed to die to kill it. And his girlfriend was.. I dunno. Going to kill her true love with a kiss or some bullshit. Anyway. Gansey's going to die and I was literally the fucking last person to know.
[Yeah, he's still kind of frustrated about it. He can understand it from Gansey; talking about your own death was bullshit. And he's always been the type to push his own shit down so that he could worry about Ronan. It was Blue and Adam who had known and not told him that they knew his best-friend was going to die.]
Apparently the only way to kill the fucking thing is a sacrifice on the ley line. Old magic. Gansey dies and so it dies. Or that was the theory, anyway. But it happened too fast. It was like... whatever was fucked up in Cabeswater was spilling over into the waking world. We were driving, trying to get to Cabeswater, because Adam had this idea that if Gansey did the sacrifice there, we could bring him back before he was really dead.
[There's a sound in his throat, somewhere between a sob and laughter, but bitter all the same, and it catches in his throat, and his eyes are rimmed in tears. Because obviously Ronan hadn't lost enough already, had he? And this is both why he hadn't brought it up, because if he didn't talk about it, then he didn't have to face Gansey's death, didn't have to think about it being real. And, well. It's why this takes trust -- because ]
But the street was flooded with blood, and Gansey was trying to figure out what to do but-- it started pulling me apart. I was bleeding black from my face, so he freaks out, of course. I had to-- tell them not to fucking touch it. It dragged me under, into... nothingness. Fragments of time, nothing at all. And all I could do was try and grab a dream, a piece of light to push it back from unmaking me and bringing it back in the instant of being awake, before it would grab me again.
And my phone's ringing the whole fucking time, because it's not just unmaking me, it's... Chainsaw, Orphan Girl... Matthew. So Declan's going to pieces and there isn't shit that I can do about it because I'm losing. [His voice quiets, sad and melancholy and heart-broken.]
It was happening so fast. And all I could throw at it was -- reflex. Flowers and a crown of fire, stars and music, and it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. But I fought it. I tried. After you died, I-- Fuck. There were more than a few nights where I don't know if I would have.
But I did. It wasn't even for a good reason, really. But it was my birthday the night before, I'd dropped out of Aglionby, I kissed Adam Parrish, and it turned out that Declan was only seventy-percent as much of an asshole as I'd assumed. For the first time in months it felt like, I dunno. Like there was-- something, you know?
[He tries to be quiet, to not be obvious, but his body shakes, and he's crying.]